That kind of Friday.

Just a couple of minutes ago, I was sitting by the computer, going through old pictures of things I've experienced in my earlier years. I always reflect back with a certain amount of nostalgia, but with more melancholy. I don't even know why. I've always asked myself why I can't look back at my past with a sense of satisfaction or relief or happiness. There's always something shadowing the good times, and I dont even know what it is.

Lately, I've been feeling like I've lost myself. I look in the mirror but I can't seem to place myself anywhere. I'm just out there. Looking like a deer in the headlights at the things coming at me. Im never really at home, I'm never at ease and I don't feel that I'm where I should be. Funny word, this should. Thing is, I don't have a clue where this feeling comes from, because I can't think of anywhere special where I should be. Apart from with my wonderful fiancé, that is currently sleeping in the couch downstairs, fever ridden and slow, I can't think of anywhere where it would feel totally natural to be.

Maybe I'm just this way. Something's always gonna go missing, inspite of how perfect my life seems this very moment. A few years back, when I started tearing myself from the depression that had been keeping me in its claws for such a long time, I felt this way when I was happy. There was just something so empty and.. uncomplicated about the feeling of being satisfied, that I didn't know how to even handle it. Maybe its one of those times now. It's hard to grasp and even harder to come to terms with.

So instead of burying myself in thoughts that will have no conclusion, I decided to go to my room, prop myself against the wall, bring some chocolate with me and whip out the book my mom got me for Christmas. Fresh sheets, tasty candy and a dwelling in someone elses past. I think this should do it. Make my Friday night good instead of filled with lingering feelings of something that I cannot solve. Because mysteries in ones own life isn't quite as entertaining as others.