A grown up problem for a grown up couple but I don't feel grown up. Will I?

Yesterday at work I, once again, had a mental breakdown about things that are not remotely close in time from my person, and therefore very very unnecessary to get worked up about. But that has obviously never stopped me before, I couldn't just brush it off. So bf and I had a long talk about things and I came to the conclusion that my ability to get a deadly dose of anxiety about random topics has to come from somewhere in the dark dwelling deep-rooted issues that probably came into light when I was in fragile age of oh you know, one day old and realising just how little I would fit into many contexts for years and years that I still struggle with every day of my life.

My angsty self must have known this waay before I did.

Anyways, one of the things we talked about and that stresses me out is of course the topic of kids. I guess it's because since we bought the house, people expect us to spawn. You know what, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME if you think it's that way. No couple ever says anything before they're actually three months into baking a baby so shut the hell up and wait for it. If I don't say anything, it's not something you should know about asshole. But, I'm not really that far off with my concerns, because as we discussed it and I said that my thoughts about the whole kids thing is that I feel I'm losing time and that stresses me out because my damn biological clock hasn't really started shoving the rational thoughts out of the way yet and so, I can't think of many perks with having kids. I've always said after 30 to give me years, hoping that my hormones have taken over by then. Bf's always said at 25. He's five years my senior. You're a clever group of people my readers, I know you can do the math.

Bf told me to take the feeling of not getting enough time and spinning it around to the feeling of going overdue, and I get his stance on the subject. I asked him if it bothers him the same way it bothers me, and he answered "no, because I don't think about it. There's no use in that. I've just closed in on coming to terms that I'll never have any kids."

For all of you out there that thinks my attitude towards this is blown up and unnecessary because no one can make me have kids (therefore there's no problem?!) when I don't want to, should imagine actually seeing the love of your life give up his/her dreams. For you.

I mean, I don't see myself without kids when I'm older, but I still don't know if the longing for kids will ever come. I switch between "it's gonna be fine" and "NO!!!". Sometimes I even feel like having kids but those moments are extremely fleeting and confusing of sorts. Maybe it's my clock trying to get the whole shebang on the go but it's a bumpy ride. Maybe it's me wanting so badly to feel the wish for kids that I push it into mind.

Maybe, in a year or two I'll sit here all fat and about to go through life changing pain and all this worry will seem like a triviality. Maybe I will find myself searching for somewhere to go because the difference in needs have split us apart. Somewhere deep inside I believe it's gonna be okay, but even though it's a problem that won't truly rear its ugly head until sometime in the future, it's highly current. It's here, showing no signs of leaving.

It just hurts me so much to see my wonderful loving man, so filled with heart and kidness, go through this. Because he loves me. As the brooding type, I can't just let it go. The stress isn't doing anything for anyone and I know it's not doing anything for my future biological clock, but what to do? It has felt alright after the talk yesterday but I know it will come back. Sometimes I feel like just having a baby already so I can move on. You don't regret your kids they say, right? Two birds with one gargantuan, heavy rock off of my shoulders.

Being a grownup sucks sometimes.