Holy crap, and I'm not even making it up.

My head is too preoccupied to be sleeping, apparently. I've slept like crap for two days, probably mostly because I have lots to think about. "But, isn't Wynn a blonde under all that henna?" you may ask. Yes, yes I am. But I'm was still nourished enough in my younger years to use that flabby pink blob of a brain for things more useful than saying "Durr" and "hurr-hurr" after someone cracks an ass joke (hurr-hurr). Shocker, right! Wait, I'm just gonna go wake bf up..

There, that was MUCH easier than it normally is..

Now, what's up with all this thinking? Well, I'm a thinker (esp in times of PMS). I process, twist and turn, stress myself out, always consider the worst scenarios, fantasize about the best scenarios (but not nearly as much as the worst ones), go into reeeeaaal detail and then have to discuss it with bf that doesn't have a clue why I'm actually thinking about that thing that isn't even close to being a reality in our current lives. Like how we should divide the parent leave when we have kids and how that's supposed to work with our current shifts and bf's responsibilites at work. I'M not gonna reduce my work time more than he is, that's for damn sure. I'm not gonna get stuck in those friggin mom-traps with 75% lesser time at work to then get a pension that's a smidgeon of what bf gets after his boss-services and then he leaves me for a younger dame at about 55 to share his wealth with, leaving me in a small apartment in St Aldus, poor and pissed. If we even get to become pensioners! Dude, we don't even know if we're still here in that time. Oh, and I also obsess about these friggin kids that are supposed to come out of me. Also, I could see myself having one. Everyone else thinks it's child torture to only have one and that makes me all "Do I HAVE to get two? I don't want two!!" and I don't even know that because it may change and I'll get two. Or maybe I'll never want to have kids and that's also something to get all worked up about because that means that bf and I are gonna break up and I don't want to do that. What if we break up and then six months later I realise that I actually want kids? Also, if we've moved to a house when I realise that I don't want kids, who's gonna get the house? I mean, the still-resident have to buy the leaver out of the house and how's that gonna go? With loans and stuff? Can I get loans? From big scary banks? Oh, and don't get me started on the whole house-dealio. How expensive is it really? Rates? Loans? Hundreds of thousands of dollars in a friggin house that can lose a lot of value if Metal.Co ever closes? There's money invested in Metal.Co but surely they'd export the entire industry to Asia because that's cheaper right? And what am I gonna do then? Unemployed, 40 year old ambition lacking lazy ass?

It would be so much easier if I could just look at the skies.

And I want to move from St Aldus to.. damn, I gotta name that place. How's that gonna work because bf likes it in St Aldus and it's a bit more to drive and if he doesn't like it there and I do, what are we gonna do? I mean, moving there and then BACK to dried up St Aldus is gonna suck more balls than moving here from my hometown that at least didn't have a beautiful lake covering two sides of the town and how am I gonna cope living in St Aldus while knowing what I'm losing? I mean, I'm tortured enough as it is with the lovely memories of that little island I lived on. What if we move to earlier said nearby town and because of the longer drive to work, we'll get into a car accident? How's the longer driving time gonna work with those friggin KIDS that have all that friggin daycare to go to because KIDS CAN'T TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES AND WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO DO IT FOR YEARS AND YEARS FOR THEM? What if I don't like living there? Do I bail on my dreams on living near water and thriving in small towns? What's the next option if it doesn't work out? Giving up and live in the shadow of the mountain for the rest of my life? Feel the beauty get drained out of me? Am I being too dramatic and tries to fill some void in myself with water? Moving to a big town just to get close to water AND fun things to do, like hanging out at rock clubs. By the time I realise this, will I be too OLD to like hanging out at rock clubs?

Oh, and what's up with this PMS? Am I actually gonna have to go to the doctors and get like Zoloft and become a zombie 24/7 instead of feeling miserable for 2 out of 4 weeks? Is it worth it? What's gonna happen? Are my teeth gonna fall out because of my dried up gums that come as a result of the Zoloft? ARE dried up gums a result of Zoloft? Maybe that's sleeping pills. Which I also need. Good lord, will I have to rely on pills every day in my life? I thought that shit stopped when I quit taking birth control pills? What if the Zoloft doesn't work? Am I left to my own devices? How am I gonna lead a normal life if I don't want to do ANYTHING half of the time? And then I don't mean just my introverted, natural kind of not-wanting-to-do-stuff-all-the-time, I mean even more time and even less will to do it.

Well, that's about a percentage of what's floating around in my head at pretty much all times. It's tiring, but I can't make it stop. I need to do it even though I would love not doing it. Just take everything as it comes, like everyone tells me to. But I CAN'T! Maybe I should see a shrink? How does that work really? Man, I hate talking (writing is preferred) about stuff that bothers me.. What if..