Confusion

I have a dilemma. A strange kind of dilemma that I haven't experienced before.

Eight years ago I became friends with a guy. We were young, happy and taking life by the throat, pushing it against the wall and TOTALLY playing tonsille hockey with it. Things were good. We were just friends, nothing ever happened between us and that was awesome.

We shared so much, we did so much together, we were like yeah you know. He's always meant so much to me and I was important to him. But then other lives came into the picture and we kinda drifted apart a little, just like you do when you are friends with someone over the years. Like it often is. Meet again and it's like you never been apart.

But slowly things started to differ. I seemed to contact him much more than he contacted me. He would completely fall off the face of the earth for months. At this point we lived in different cities and I by no means demand that my friends will throw everything to the side and please my need of contact, but when I say months I mean months. Of total silence.
I would worry, send texts just asking him to answer me so I knew that he was alive. I would call and get no answer. For months.

Then he would reappear into this realm, be his normal self and apologize for not having answered. I would forgive him because he was back, and what could I do?

But this continued. Again. And again. And again. And again. I must admit that I grew a little bitter. When we again shared city, we had times together that was awesome. It was just like the friendship I wanted with him and he seemed happy too. But there were also times when so many things were more interesting than me, and other people always seemed more fascinating. That's fine, but he again and again told me what I meant to him and that he loved me in the close-friends-way, but his behaviour almost never measured up to his words.

Even though we lived in the same town he would disappear for periods of time, and if he said he would call, I knew exactly when he WOULDN'T call.
I mean, he's never been a bad friend, but every time he disappeared and returned, he would apologize. Apparently, he knew that something wasn't right but he would still keep doing it.

Until I just stopped calling him. And stopped texting. And slowly started to care less. I knew he was a flake and that I was only for his entertainment when his girlfriend was out of town (in a strictly friendshippy way, no shady buisness) and that's not my kind of friendship.

We didn't hear from eachother for months, he got a new girlfriend and was totally occupied with that, as usual. Fine with me. He once again moved away to another city and I didn't hear from him in six months. Fine with me. Sorta. I've always missed him somewhere. Then after six months of silence he contacted me, asking for old photographs from a trip we were on with a couple of friends. I didn't answer.

A year went by. Cue middle of december 2009. 3 AM. I was playing solitaire on my computer.
His name appeared among my open programs.

"I miss you Wynn" blared at me on the screen.

To my big surprise I started crying. A lot. It felt just like an old lover had contacted me, one that I had been trying to get over for SO long and apparently had failed doing so. I felt so strongly that I didn't WANT this, like I knew that this would bring up feelings that I didn't want to feel. It weirded me out.

I just watched on as he wrote line after line with apologies, telling me how much he misses me and that he would love to catch up over a cup of coffee. The christmas holidays would take up a lot of his time but when january comes he would totally come home more and we would regain the contact we missed. There is so much that has happened that he wanted to tell me about, and when I said that this year has indeed been eventful, he said that he thought that what he had been through would probably kick ass with what I'd been through.

After a short time of conversation I said that I had to go to bed and he said he would call me in january or something.
I lingered by the computer, feeling very sad. Why?

The day after I met another friend of mine and we talked about it. He was very close to this mutual friend of ours too, and he had been contacted also.
I once again got sad when talking about it, which kinda made me realise that he has meant more to me than I initally wanted to admit. It has hurt me more than I thought, that he's been acting this way towards me, and I'm pretty much and the end of my rope.

When talking to the mutual friend about it, it felt more and more like I didn't want to regain contact and that I didn't want him in my life again, because according to years of history, he would just leave. Fuck. Now, we're in january. Only time can tell if he will actually stand by his statement and try to keep contact.

But then comes the quirks. He bet five bucks on that what he's been through beats what I've been through? Does that give the impression that he's really interesting in what I've been up to? Am I willing to tell him about what has happened this year if I feel it's like a competition between us? The abortion and other things that I haven't told you guys about, isn't something I fucking compete with. Am I willing to tell my old friend things that are very near to me, and then have him make his usual disappearance after three months?

He met up with the mutual friend and all he did was talk about himself. He didn't even ask about how my friend was doing or how everything works out for him. He just went on about his girlfriend and his job and things he does and yada yada.

I almost feel angry about him contacting me at all. After all the apologies he KNOWS (or at least gives the appearance of knowing) that it's been hurting me and still does it? What would prevent him from doing it again? Nothing. And would I stand there, feeling abandoned AGAIN and feel sad about it, having to process the feeling of caring so much more about someone than they care about me, again?

Fuck, I even feel silly about thinking about this, I should just embrace him coming back? But it is the hurt that makes the difference. I don't even know why. I've been close to people and we have had sporadic contact and it doesn't matter, but with this friend it does. I don't really know how to handle it.

If anyone of you actually read this, and understood it, do you have any advice? I'm confused and in waters I haven't tried before.